Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Guilt and Fear

Dear Guilt and Fear,

I just suddenly have realised the grasp you have had in all my years. How many years you both have blatantly stolen from me. I choose to live without regrets, but I pray now that God will redeem this time back to me.

You suck,
Shekinah K.

OK OK Seriously now!

Some days I wish I had not told my mother anything that goes on in my town. Last week we had a tragic death of a child 9 years old who made a terrible mistake that cost his life, and this child was a schoolmate/friend of my son's. So I did mention it to my mom because we were visiting them and my son was acting out, and it just made sense that that may be why.
So my mother calls me today. And tells me how "if it was a murder I would move!". 
My parents live in one of the most dangerous area of their city. Have had dead bodies found not even 2 blocks from their home, arson across the street including murder. And I am supposed to move?!

Then it hit me after we were finished talking (Thank God, I love my mother but she was on a path I did not wish to walk with her on). I see now, she had steeped me in a life of fear and guilt all my life living with her and now trying on the phone apart.
When I was little the morbid and terrifying things she would come up with. The crazy (literally) things she sometimes said. It now is obvious, as I see my own mothering. That she really said and did some horrible things. For instance, her tone on the phone was "if your not looking to move, then your crazy and you'll regret it because I mentioned it!". 
When I live in an awesome small town, almost everyone knows everyone. I cannot walk down the street of my town without bumping into and making small talk with at least 8 people I know in any given half an hour!
And I love it!!! I love that my family is known here, that we nod as elderly people pass. That my church is strong and very united (far from perfect but close knit). I feel blessed here, I feel placed here. And here my mother says MOVE. Nooo mom, moving is not for us.

Now the problem is, after being steeped in fear for so long. I am not the mom I wish to be sometimes. I say things and I hear my mothers voice coming out of me. I feel the fear and the warnings to give my children that just may be fear inducing to them. This world is a sad and crazy place sometimes. I have to ask though, how much warning do we give a child that they could be kidnapped? Am I keeping them aware of the danger? Or am I steeping my own children in fear as my mother did, and her mother did and who knows?

This is something I have to deal with for me and my life. To only better their lives.
I have to turn it around and let things go and learn to somehow live without worrying "what if".
The present and have not seen eye to eye often. I look back or fear whats ahead and prep for what has never been yet. Even if I did prepare for it, would help lighten the pain? The truth is NO.
No one can prepare for the loss of a child, like two of my friends have had to bare. Nothing prepares you for that.
Then why do I live in the constant state of fear? Will today be the day Lord I lose one of my precious ones?
That's not how God wants me to live. That's not why Jesus died on the cross for my sins and came back from the grave! Its supposed to be freedom! It was for freedom He set me free, and you free.
I need to walk in that. 
Let go and let God. Jesus take the Wheel. There's gotta be more to life (Stacy Orrico)

(takes a cleansing breath)
I want to live in the present, cause the past isn't taking me anywhere I wish to go.
Shekinah K.

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